Makenzie Dec 2012

 

 Look at that sweet face!

 

 

 Our wonderful neighbors gave her this scooter. She does really well and loves it.

 

 

She has been dying to play in the leaves!

Perfectionism

I used to be a perfectionist. I wasn't obsessive compulsive about it, but I certainly liked to have things organized and in their place at all times. I was proud of this character trait. However, after getting married and having two kids my perfectionism has gone by the wayside. My husband gets frustrated that I want the house picked up and company ready at all times. He doesn't understand the embarrassment I feel when my neighbor stops by and sees my kitchen in a horrible state of disgust! But I know that our home, family, and children won't be the picture I have in my head. I really do KNOW that, but I'm not going to stop wanting my home to be clean, my children to be polite, and my attitude to be positive. Even if it takes work to get it all there. Why do I have to feel bad for wanting theses things? We may not be able to afford better things, but we can make the best of what we do have. My mom always said that you don't have to be dirty just because you're poor (or something like that). I'm going to continue to want a clean home. I'm going to continue to work at having it, but not at the expense of time with my children or husband. That is the point my husband tries to make. He doesn't like that my attitude is bad when our home is a mess. I put stress on myself to keep our home at least picked up, but it is far from clean. There is always more to be done. Life is such a balancing act.

This sort of puts things in perspective:
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/12/dear-mom-who-likes-everything-perfect.html

Censored

 
Censorship:  the control of speech and other forms of human expression.
I have a big mouth. I talk a lot and usually without much of a filter. I remember vividly getting in trouble for sharing private family matters at school when I was younger. I remember being censored by my parents when I wanted to give a mentor a very heartfelt letter of appreciation. Even as an adult I have people telling me what I can share with others. When do I get to stop being the censored child?

I'm ready to find my voice and feel comfortable to share what I want to. What if my honest struggles help someone else? What if just knowing that someone else is going through hard times too is a comfort to someone else? I'm THIRTY years old. I think it's time for me to stop worrying about what other people think and JUST BE ME.

Behind the Scenes: A Messy Reality

How does the saying go? "Don't compare your 'behind the scenes' to someone else's 'highlight reel.'" It's so hard not to. Especially when I read blogs about people who seem to really love and enjoy their children. I spend most of my time tolerating my children. Isn't that sad? Sometimes I wish I could see them through someone else's eyes. Everyone else notices how special, gifted, sweet, gentle, and kind my children are. While I "know" these things about my kids. These are not the portrayed traits that I spend my day in contact with. I see and hear LOTS of whining, crying, disobedience, and disrespect. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I've heard that you shouldn't take too much credit for the good things your child does, but what about the bad things? I take credit for all of it and I take it very personally.

I really want to spend time enjoying my kids. We do have good times together, but I often feel like an outsider looking in. I'm often the referee or the security guard. I'm often not interacting as much as I am just present.
 

Let's just say that my behind the scenes is ugly. I hope mine isn't the only one.

Does this mean that I shouldn't be a stay at home mom? If I had a job outside of the home and spent time away from them would I enjoy them more? Could I be more present and involved if I didn't spend so much time resenting them for what I'm not getting done? Aha, the truth comes out.

DIY Family Rules Subway Art

This started out as a Parisian art canvas with rod iron trim. I removed the metal trim and then painted the canvas with acrylic paint. Once I decided what I wanted it to say I started separating the vinyl letters. I bought the letters at Target in the art supplies section-they were cheaper than at Walmart.

I used a pencil to draw a one inch border on each side. Then I drew horizontal lines every three inches so I would have equal spacing. I positioned and adhered all of my words making sure to not put them directly on top of the pencil marks.

Once everything was down I painted the whole thing with Satin Granite Grey spray paint. I did two coats. Once it was no longer tacky I removed the vinyl letters.

Here is the final product. I really love the way it turned out.

Being a Mom

 I have the best job in the world. I get to be their Mom. I get to be their soft place to land when things are tough. I can only hope to be their best friend. What a blessing and an honor it is to have Mom as my title. I get to kiss their "boo-boos" and pray over them when they're sick. I often hear that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world. Although I agree, it's not the Mom part that's hard. It's the managing of the household and being present as a mother that is hard. It's hard to get past the guilt. Oh there is so much guilt! I feel it about how much time I spend on the computer, doing dishes, and cleaning house while my children entertain themselves. So often I neglect the aforementioned duties and just play with my children. I love playing with them, but there has to be balance to accomplish all of my responsibilities. I want my children to have an amazing childhood full of love, creativity, traditions, and family togetherness. I want them to remember that I played with them. I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart. I want to be a role model for them. I want them to understand that with passion and hard work anything is possible. It's easy to say. Now I need to go live it.

I am blessed to have many things in my life that I love. For example, my sweet husband, Eric, my beautiful daughter, Makenzie, and my precious son, Parker. Now I have a new love...running! I've always wanted to be a runner. I enjoyed running as a teenager, but had no idea that it was considered a sport. My husband is home during the summer so that has allowed me to pursue the wish of becoming a runner. Now don't get me wrong, "I am not a runner," yet. I have been staying up after feeding Parker early in the morning and going for a run. The morning is so beautiful! I get to turn my music up and turn my mommy brain OFF. It's awesome! I walk until I feel capable of running and then I run until I can't any longer. It is such a feeling of freedom to leave the house with the my sleeping children in the care of my husband. I don't take my cell phone or even house keys. It's just me and my ipod. Unfortunately my ipod won't communicate with my computer so I can only listen to the music I put on it five years ago. But, it's still great. I sing. I run. I'm free. My mood is better on the days I exercise. It honestly works better than my anti-depression medicine. It even makes the rest of my day better. My self esteem is better. I make better food choices. It also gives me a ton of energy. Way more than a cup of coffee provides.

Parker's First Birthday

Doesn't everyone dive into a cupcake with their face? from Jennifer Neal on Vimeo.

Thank Heaven for Grandparents

Many negative things come from being a child of divorce. However, as an adult I am seeing an upside to it: lots of Grandparents! Both for myself and my children. We are so blessed to have so many people that love us. This past week I had the pleasure of visiting some of my Grandparents. We loaded up the car and drove 12+ hours to New Mexico. The car ride went surprisingly well.

My Grandparents had been evacuated from their home due to wildfires raging in the mountains around their home. By the grace of God their home was spared. It was great to see them and give them a chance to see the kids. We were able to see my Dad and Step-mom, my Aunt and Uncle, and my Grandparents.

My grandparents with my children-awesome!

Great Grandpa and Makenzie enjoying "tea"

Four generations

Grandpa, Grandma, Makenzie, and Parker

It was a flying trip however because my other Grandmother had a heart attack while we were away. So, we loaded up the car and headed back home. Once again by the grace of God her life was spared. She is doing remarkably well. I just had to get back to see her.

Nana and the kids

Papaw, Mamaw, and the kids

Papaw and Parker

 I am so blessed to have such great relationships with my grandparents. I am also thankful that my kids get the opportunity to have lots of grandparents in their lives. It was a crazy week, but it was so great to see everyone and praise God for the miracles in their lives.

First Haircuts

 Parker

Parker was not so sure about it all!

Look at that Mohawk!

Had to know what sister was doing!

So handsome!

 Makenzie

A little apprehensive.

Excited about her first professional haircut.

Feeling like a superstar with her purple stars and hair.

By the way, we got their haircuts at Sweet N Sassy. On Tuesdays all of their haircuts are $5 off. So their "cutie cuts" were only $10! What a great deal! Makenzie's purple "hair extension," glitter spray, glitter stars, and sucker were all included. I'm sure she'll always want to get her hair cut at Sweet N Sassy!

My children

They'll only be little once. Focus on their hearts and who they are. They are gifts from God. He will take care of them. He has blessed you with the opportunity to raise them for Him! What an awesome responsibility! They are people that deserve respect, but they are not little adults. They are children.

My sweet girl Makenzie. She is her momma through and through. She is very maternal and loving. She is quietly adventurous. She is slowly climbing out of her shell and standing on the edge of childhood. She is putting herself out there to meet new people. I'm so proud of how much she has grown in the past year. She is strong willed and strong minded. She knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it. She loves her brother, but is really having a hard time with his new found mobility and curiosity.

 Oh, Parker and his sweet, mischievous smile. Oh, how I love that boy. He is T.R.O.U.B.L.E., but I don't care. I love him so much. He melts my heart when he wraps his arms around my legs in an attempt to get my attention. He gives me a little flirty grin that says, "pick me up...you know you want to," and he's right, I do.

PicMonkey.com

 Before:

After:

Editing really makes a difference. Hard to believe it's the same photo! So thankful to have stumbled upon PicMonkey.com since Picnic is no longer available.

Mother's Day 2012

This is my sweet girl on Mother's Day. Hubby and Makenzie woke me up with breakfast in bed (which I ate in the dining room). She gave me this precious card that she had written all by herself! My husband wrote on her chalkboard and she wrote it on the card. I was so impressed! Eric and Makenzie went to church while Parker and I stayed home since he was still suffering with a yucky virus. We spent time outside on a blanket in the grass and enjoyed the beautiful weather.

I gave myself a pedicure with the best fingernail polish I've ever used. I NEVER go to the salon to get my nails done. I love the look, but not the process or the price. So here's my "at home" pedi for $6(Walmart)! btw, my nails are not navy blue like the picture they're "FRUITY PETTUTIE!" Even my hubby said he liked it!

After a lovely dinner of grilled chicken sandwiches my husband and I watched "The Vow." It was a great way to finish a great day.

Just another day

Every week I drown in dirty dishes, unfinished laundry, and a VERY long "to-do" list. Every week is the same. I say that I'm not going to let it happen again, but by Wednesday I'm back where I said I was never going again. Just when I think I could wean myself off of the antidepressant medicine I take everyday I start exhibiting depressive behavior...AGAIN. I must say the worst thing about the medicine I take is that I can't cry. Physically I can not cry. Emotionally I want to, but the tears won't come. I used to be able to cry on command. Not any more. I actually miss crying. It can be such a good release. My mom and my husband both like me on "happy pills," but I'm feeling less and less like myself. However, if it will keep the anger at bay then I'll stay on it as long as I need to. My anger was uncontrollable and that is a very scary thing for myself and my children.

There Aren't Enough Adjectives

Flirty

Angelic

 

Pensive

Adorable

Excited

Handsome

 

Mischievous