Bittersweet

 Watching my children grow up is so bittersweet. Makenzie is going away for a basketball tournament with her high school team and I am not happy about it. I worry about the potential for a car accident while traveling. I worry about drug paraphernalia being brought on the trip by another child and my child feeling pressured to do something that isn't safe. I worry about her being able to get any quality sleep. I worry about the possibility of embarrassing situations that cause her to feel shame.  I realize how finite these years of having her in our home are. 

Sometimes it feels like she's my best friend. Other times I'm reminded that she is only a child and that she can not and should not be my best friend. There is no one that I enjoy talking to or spending time with more than her. I don't believe she is my accomplishment. I believe that she is a gift that has been given to me by God. She is the absolute best gift. I feel the same way about my son. He is also an absolute gift from God. 

It feels like I'm the only one who really sees my son. I believe that I can see into his soul and his emotions are not hidden from me. I am his soft and safe place to land. He often will reveal feelings and thoughts to me that no one else in our family sees. He has a fragile soul. We all do. 

I'm lonely in this "in-between" time of mother hood. Gone are the days of playdates at the park. Now I'm a taxi drive and I'm not invited to play. I'm on the periphery of my children's lives and I'm the center. I have a sense that all things begin and end with me. My actions are very determinant to everyone else's experience: when I wake up, what food I buy/prepare, the mood I'm in, my level of patience, my willingness to participate, my emotional and mental capacity to be present. It's hard to be everything and nothing all at the same time. 

Perfectionism

I used to be a perfectionist. I wasn't obsessive compulsive about it, but I certainly liked to have things organized and in their place at all times. I was proud of this character trait. However, after getting married and having two kids my perfectionism has gone by the wayside. My husband gets frustrated that I want the house picked up and company ready at all times. He doesn't understand the embarrassment I feel when my neighbor stops by and sees my kitchen in a horrible state of disgust! But I know that our home, family, and children won't be the picture I have in my head. I really do KNOW that, but I'm not going to stop wanting my home to be clean, my children to be polite, and my attitude to be positive. Even if it takes work to get it all there. Why do I have to feel bad for wanting theses things? We may not be able to afford better things, but we can make the best of what we do have. My mom always said that you don't have to be dirty just because you're poor (or something like that). I'm going to continue to want a clean home. I'm going to continue to work at having it, but not at the expense of time with my children or husband. That is the point my husband tries to make. He doesn't like that my attitude is bad when our home is a mess. I put stress on myself to keep our home at least picked up, but it is far from clean. There is always more to be done. Life is such a balancing act.

This sort of puts things in perspective:
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/12/dear-mom-who-likes-everything-perfect.html

Behind the Scenes: A Messy Reality

How does the saying go? "Don't compare your 'behind the scenes' to someone else's 'highlight reel.'" It's so hard not to. Especially when I read blogs about people who seem to really love and enjoy their children. I spend most of my time tolerating my children. Isn't that sad? Sometimes I wish I could see them through someone else's eyes. Everyone else notices how special, gifted, sweet, gentle, and kind my children are. While I "know" these things about my kids. These are not the portrayed traits that I spend my day in contact with. I see and hear LOTS of whining, crying, disobedience, and disrespect. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I've heard that you shouldn't take too much credit for the good things your child does, but what about the bad things? I take credit for all of it and I take it very personally.

I really want to spend time enjoying my kids. We do have good times together, but I often feel like an outsider looking in. I'm often the referee or the security guard. I'm often not interacting as much as I am just present.
 

Let's just say that my behind the scenes is ugly. I hope mine isn't the only one.

Does this mean that I shouldn't be a stay at home mom? If I had a job outside of the home and spent time away from them would I enjoy them more? Could I be more present and involved if I didn't spend so much time resenting them for what I'm not getting done? Aha, the truth comes out.

My children

They'll only be little once. Focus on their hearts and who they are. They are gifts from God. He will take care of them. He has blessed you with the opportunity to raise them for Him! What an awesome responsibility! They are people that deserve respect, but they are not little adults. They are children.

My sweet girl Makenzie. She is her momma through and through. She is very maternal and loving. She is quietly adventurous. She is slowly climbing out of her shell and standing on the edge of childhood. She is putting herself out there to meet new people. I'm so proud of how much she has grown in the past year. She is strong willed and strong minded. She knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it. She loves her brother, but is really having a hard time with his new found mobility and curiosity.

 Oh, Parker and his sweet, mischievous smile. Oh, how I love that boy. He is T.R.O.U.B.L.E., but I don't care. I love him so much. He melts my heart when he wraps his arms around my legs in an attempt to get my attention. He gives me a little flirty grin that says, "pick me up...you know you want to," and he's right, I do.

Parenting is Hard!

This picture shows how I felt this week. I always knew that parenting would be hard, but I couldn't have begun to understand the emotional, physical, and mental toll it really takes on a person. I love being a stay at home mom. I wouldn't want it any other way. However, it is hard work! Over the past week and half Makenzie had pink eye, an ear infection, and gave up her pacifier. While the timing on the pacifier wasn't great there wasn't any choice in the matter. We were down to one pacifier and it was starting to tear. I told her that once it became dangerous for her to have it would have to be thrown away. She threw it away herself and was very proud of herself. She didn't even ask for it until the third night without it. She had a really difficult time sleeping without it. She did okay at her naps but once night time came she was really missing it. We went about four days with very little sleep. Makenzie would wake up about every hour or so crying. I would go into her after five minutes; comfort her and she would fall back asleep. I started extending the amount of time I let her cry and by the sixth day she slept seven hours straight without waking up. It was a wonderful feeling to have a full night's sleep. Also during this time of no sleeping Makenzie began biting, spiting, and throwing extensive fits. All of this was very hard on me. I wanted my "angel" baby back. We went through lots of "fun or room" and timeouts. Thankfully today she has been back to her old self. She hasn't thrown one fit all day and she has been a real joy to be around. I pray that this continues. I had two meltdowns yesterday in front of Makenzie. The lack of sleep and the bad behavior had really taken it's toll on me. I'm not sure how seeing me cry made her feel, but I wasn't proud of it. I do know that it's good for her to see me cry, but it didn't feel right. I'm so thankful to God for hearing my prayers and my cries and making my circumstances better. He really does care.

Great Day

I had the best day with Makenzie today. We played with playdough, glue and glitter, colored, and worked in her sticker book. It was a day full of child focused activities and it was so much fun. With my upcoming "muffin tin munchies" I'm even excited about preparing her snacks and meals to come up with fun combinations! It's amazing how contagious enthusiasm can be! Because Eric was going to be out a Mavs game tonight I planned a movie night for Makenzie and I. We watched, "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and ate ice cream(her favorite). It was really nice. She actually sat for most of the movie. I haven't seen her this happy for a whole day before. Maybe it's because I was too. Thank you Lord for the wonderful privilege of raising Makenzie. I pray that I will lead her in your way.

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This is my favorite picture of Makenzie and I. She was four months old.