when I grow up

When I was little I wanted to be a pediatrician. I'm pretty sure that was because I liked sounding impressive as a five year old using the word "pediatrician." I've always loved to impress people. I did a pretty good job of it in high school. I was awarded "Employee of the Month" at my job when I was sixteen. I've always had a great work ethic. The doctors I worked with in high school were impressed with me also. One doctor in particular scrutinized my desire to be a physical therapist. He said that the world of medicine needed more female doctors and that it would be a waste for me to become a physical therapist because I would make a great doctor.

What would he think of me now?

I haven't become anything.

I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I have no additional ambitions and I feel stagnant. Not only stagnant, but also trapped. My husband's job destroys any possibility of having the career of my dreams because who will raise our children?

I started pursuing physical therapy as a career as a junior in high school. I interviewed a PT at a hospital in my home town. She was wearing a wind suit and tennis shoes and had her hair in a ponytail. She spoke so passionately about her job. That was where the fire started.

I went to college and pursued my dream with every thing I had. I worked forty hours a week and went to school full time. I LOVED my job as a PT technician. I was thrilled to make money doing something that I loved so much. I pitied people who didn't love their job as much as me. After about five years my back was hurting so much that I could barely walk when I got off work. I was in a lot of pain. I did not tell my employers. I saw doctors and physical therapists. I continued to be in pain and requested to work in the front office. I wanted to see the business side of it and I needed to sit. Then I got married. Then I got pregnant. I quit working two months before my daughter was born. I cherish those early days and years with her. When she was seven days old I begged her to not grow up. I was so enamored with her. She was so beautiful and wonderful and work NEVER crossed my mind. I had no desire to be at work.

Now that I'm almost six years into my "retirement" I feel the desire to work. I often think to myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Then I remember that I'm 31 years old and I am "grown up." I don't have to work in physical therapy, but I want to work somewhere. I want to be needed and appreciated by people other than my husband and children. I want to feel fulfilled. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I've enjoyed my retirement but I'm ready for it to end.

Taking Stock

Loved reading this today and wanted to add my own:

Cooking : Lasagna
Drinking : Coffee or Sweet Tea
Reading: Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul 2
Wanting: New furniture
Looking: at Craigslist
Playing: with Parker
Wasting: time
Sewing: nothing
Wishing: my husband was home
Enjoying: quiet time
Waiting: for school to be out
Liking: the slightly cooler weather
Wondering: what's next?
Loving: being a stay at home mom
Hoping: for contentment
Marveling: curiosity of a two year old
Needing: energy
Smelling: clean house
Wearing: work out clothes
Noticing: my daughter is growing up
Knowing: my time will come
Thinking: about the future
Feeling: sad
Bookmarking: furniture makeovers
Giggling: not as much as I should

My weight loss journey: the Beginning

Well this is it. I have reached the point of no return. I no longer want to be the size that I am. I don't like that I've gotten myself here and it's time for a change. No more excuses. I only want results. I have bad family history on both sides and two kids looking up to me and how I live my life. Sitting at the computer for hours every day isn't getting me any healthier or happier! Reading about OTHER people's incredible weight loss journeys and beautiful home décor isn't making me thinner or getting my house decorated to reflect me!

So, here it is: the Beginning.

 

 

I'm going to count my calories every day and stay at 1400/day. I'm also going to walk at least 30 minutes per day.

These are baby steps to get me to where I want to be: healthier and happier! A year from now I'd like to be in a size 8. That seems reasonable.

Parker turns 2

 I can't believe that my baby turns two today! How did we get here so fast? I'm really teary about this birthday. When Makenzie has a birthday if feels like the beginning of a new adventure. With Parker it feels like the end of something instead of the beginning.

 Parker, my sweet little man, I love you so much! You are SWEET, SMART, and CHALLENGING every day. I can't get enough of you. I hold you just a few extra minutes every night before I put you to bed. I'm so thankful that you are growing and healthy. You are a bundle of energy that keeps me going!

I'm sad that you are no longer a baby but I am really enjoying the sweet little boy that you are now. Thank you so much for loving me in an unconditional way. I'm so thankful for the way you show me glimpses of how Jesus loves us. I love you baby, Happy Birthday!