Joy and Fulfillment

How do you find joy and fulfillment as a stay at home mom? When my daughter was younger I found it in her milestones and in new ways I could interact with her. Now that she is three she is needing me much less and I'm having a hard time being joyful. I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with our son. This makes it physically challenging to be the mom that I want to be. With my daughter I feel at a loss of what to do with her. She'd rather play by herself than with me. I'm not finding happiness in the mundane meal planning and house cleaning that is my life right now. I don't know if a job is the answer, but it can't be the solution right now due to me being pregnant. I went to a "mom" conference this weekend. They posed the question, "What are your dreams, goals, and aspirations?" I don't have any for myself. I used to. It used to be all about me. Now the only goals I have are for my children. I feel like "my life" is over. Now it's all about my husband and my children. This is the number one reason I said I didn't want to get married and have children. I was afraid of losing myself...and I did.

Parenting is Hard!

This picture shows how I felt this week. I always knew that parenting would be hard, but I couldn't have begun to understand the emotional, physical, and mental toll it really takes on a person. I love being a stay at home mom. I wouldn't want it any other way. However, it is hard work! Over the past week and half Makenzie had pink eye, an ear infection, and gave up her pacifier. While the timing on the pacifier wasn't great there wasn't any choice in the matter. We were down to one pacifier and it was starting to tear. I told her that once it became dangerous for her to have it would have to be thrown away. She threw it away herself and was very proud of herself. She didn't even ask for it until the third night without it. She had a really difficult time sleeping without it. She did okay at her naps but once night time came she was really missing it. We went about four days with very little sleep. Makenzie would wake up about every hour or so crying. I would go into her after five minutes; comfort her and she would fall back asleep. I started extending the amount of time I let her cry and by the sixth day she slept seven hours straight without waking up. It was a wonderful feeling to have a full night's sleep. Also during this time of no sleeping Makenzie began biting, spiting, and throwing extensive fits. All of this was very hard on me. I wanted my "angel" baby back. We went through lots of "fun or room" and timeouts. Thankfully today she has been back to her old self. She hasn't thrown one fit all day and she has been a real joy to be around. I pray that this continues. I had two meltdowns yesterday in front of Makenzie. The lack of sleep and the bad behavior had really taken it's toll on me. I'm not sure how seeing me cry made her feel, but I wasn't proud of it. I do know that it's good for her to see me cry, but it didn't feel right. I'm so thankful to God for hearing my prayers and my cries and making my circumstances better. He really does care.