Bittersweet

 Watching my children grow up is so bittersweet. Makenzie is going away for a basketball tournament with her high school team and I am not happy about it. I worry about the potential for a car accident while traveling. I worry about drug paraphernalia being brought on the trip by another child and my child feeling pressured to do something that isn't safe. I worry about her being able to get any quality sleep. I worry about the possibility of embarrassing situations that cause her to feel shame.  I realize how finite these years of having her in our home are. 

Sometimes it feels like she's my best friend. Other times I'm reminded that she is only a child and that she can not and should not be my best friend. There is no one that I enjoy talking to or spending time with more than her. I don't believe she is my accomplishment. I believe that she is a gift that has been given to me by God. She is the absolute best gift. I feel the same way about my son. He is also an absolute gift from God. 

It feels like I'm the only one who really sees my son. I believe that I can see into his soul and his emotions are not hidden from me. I am his soft and safe place to land. He often will reveal feelings and thoughts to me that no one else in our family sees. He has a fragile soul. We all do. 

I'm lonely in this "in-between" time of mother hood. Gone are the days of playdates at the park. Now I'm a taxi drive and I'm not invited to play. I'm on the periphery of my children's lives and I'm the center. I have a sense that all things begin and end with me. My actions are very determinant to everyone else's experience: when I wake up, what food I buy/prepare, the mood I'm in, my level of patience, my willingness to participate, my emotional and mental capacity to be present. It's hard to be everything and nothing all at the same time. 

Poetry

 One hour.

That's all I get.
One hour to be.
In my head
In my heart
In ... me.

One hour to be free.
Not meeting anyone else's "needs."

One hour
to be me.

DIY Frozen Playdough

It was a cold and rainy Columbus Day. Both kids were home and we were getting stir crazy. Enter Frozen inspired Playdough!
http://pagingfunmums.com/2014/10/04/frozen-playdough/

Day 3

This is the third day in a row that I have walked on the treadmill. Monday and Tuesday I walked for thirty minutes at 5:00 am. Today I walked for 45 minutes in the afternoon. I'm down eight pounds in two weeks. The only change I made in those two weeks was not eating after dinner. Isn't that crazy?!? My goodness! How many calories was I eating after dinner that the deficit allowed me to lose 8 pounds? I'm excited about this start. It's not much, but it is something that I can continue and be successful with. Just wanted to share a personal victory that won't look like much to others, but is a big deal to me.

when I grow up

When I was little I wanted to be a pediatrician. I'm pretty sure that was because I liked sounding impressive as a five year old using the word "pediatrician." I've always loved to impress people. I did a pretty good job of it in high school. I was awarded "Employee of the Month" at my job when I was sixteen. I've always had a great work ethic. The doctors I worked with in high school were impressed with me also. One doctor in particular scrutinized my desire to be a physical therapist. He said that the world of medicine needed more female doctors and that it would be a waste for me to become a physical therapist because I would make a great doctor.

What would he think of me now?

I haven't become anything.

I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I have no additional ambitions and I feel stagnant. Not only stagnant, but also trapped. My husband's job destroys any possibility of having the career of my dreams because who will raise our children?

I started pursuing physical therapy as a career as a junior in high school. I interviewed a PT at a hospital in my home town. She was wearing a wind suit and tennis shoes and had her hair in a ponytail. She spoke so passionately about her job. That was where the fire started.

I went to college and pursued my dream with every thing I had. I worked forty hours a week and went to school full time. I LOVED my job as a PT technician. I was thrilled to make money doing something that I loved so much. I pitied people who didn't love their job as much as me. After about five years my back was hurting so much that I could barely walk when I got off work. I was in a lot of pain. I did not tell my employers. I saw doctors and physical therapists. I continued to be in pain and requested to work in the front office. I wanted to see the business side of it and I needed to sit. Then I got married. Then I got pregnant. I quit working two months before my daughter was born. I cherish those early days and years with her. When she was seven days old I begged her to not grow up. I was so enamored with her. She was so beautiful and wonderful and work NEVER crossed my mind. I had no desire to be at work.

Now that I'm almost six years into my "retirement" I feel the desire to work. I often think to myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Then I remember that I'm 31 years old and I am "grown up." I don't have to work in physical therapy, but I want to work somewhere. I want to be needed and appreciated by people other than my husband and children. I want to feel fulfilled. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I've enjoyed my retirement but I'm ready for it to end.

Taking Stock

Loved reading this today and wanted to add my own:

Cooking : Lasagna
Drinking : Coffee or Sweet Tea
Reading: Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul 2
Wanting: New furniture
Looking: at Craigslist
Playing: with Parker
Wasting: time
Sewing: nothing
Wishing: my husband was home
Enjoying: quiet time
Waiting: for school to be out
Liking: the slightly cooler weather
Wondering: what's next?
Loving: being a stay at home mom
Hoping: for contentment
Marveling: curiosity of a two year old
Needing: energy
Smelling: clean house
Wearing: work out clothes
Noticing: my daughter is growing up
Knowing: my time will come
Thinking: about the future
Feeling: sad
Bookmarking: furniture makeovers
Giggling: not as much as I should

My weight loss journey: the Beginning

Well this is it. I have reached the point of no return. I no longer want to be the size that I am. I don't like that I've gotten myself here and it's time for a change. No more excuses. I only want results. I have bad family history on both sides and two kids looking up to me and how I live my life. Sitting at the computer for hours every day isn't getting me any healthier or happier! Reading about OTHER people's incredible weight loss journeys and beautiful home décor isn't making me thinner or getting my house decorated to reflect me!

So, here it is: the Beginning.

 

 

I'm going to count my calories every day and stay at 1400/day. I'm also going to walk at least 30 minutes per day.

These are baby steps to get me to where I want to be: healthier and happier! A year from now I'd like to be in a size 8. That seems reasonable.

Parker turns 2

 I can't believe that my baby turns two today! How did we get here so fast? I'm really teary about this birthday. When Makenzie has a birthday if feels like the beginning of a new adventure. With Parker it feels like the end of something instead of the beginning.

 Parker, my sweet little man, I love you so much! You are SWEET, SMART, and CHALLENGING every day. I can't get enough of you. I hold you just a few extra minutes every night before I put you to bed. I'm so thankful that you are growing and healthy. You are a bundle of energy that keeps me going!

I'm sad that you are no longer a baby but I am really enjoying the sweet little boy that you are now. Thank you so much for loving me in an unconditional way. I'm so thankful for the way you show me glimpses of how Jesus loves us. I love you baby, Happy Birthday!

House Buying: the Saga

I had no idea what house buying entailed. Let me tell you that it costs a lot of money to "buy" a house even when you finance the entire cost of the house! So, for those of you considering buying a house, start saving now! You need a good ten grand or more. Wish someone would've told us this a few years ago. We would've been stockpiling and our house buying experience would've been different.
We decided to start looking into buying a home because we wanted to be settled before our daughter started school. She starts kindergarten in the fall and we wanted to move to the same town as our church. It is a great community with a small town feel. However, thanks to our lack of funds the homes we could afford were not what we were wanting to purchase as first time home buyers. We kept our search focused for a short time but quickly expanded to see what other options were out there. We put an offer on a house in the town where we live. It would've gotten us closer to church and made just a slightly longer commute for my husband. WE WANTED IT BAD! The had an open house on a rainy Saturday from 9-1 and said they would decide Sunday night who's offer they were going to accept. We nervously put in an offer and included a personal letter from myself explaining why this home was so great for us. My husband and I barely slept that night. The anxiety was almost too much to bear. Than came the "I'm so sorry" call from our real estate agent. It was heart breaking but we were so early in the process that we tried not to get discouraged. Later in the week our agent was showing us some houses that were not up to par for what they were asking and suggested a subdivision that we might like. He said it was an additional seven minutes away if we were up for looking out there. I asked if there was anything we could see right then and he made it happen. We were EXTREMELY skeptical. Especially on the winding country roads to see this place. The house he showed us was a 4/2. We were overwhelmed with the size and condition of it. It was built in 2006 and we were excited to see if we could afford it. We emailed our mortgage guy and he responded that we could afford it and it was $100 less than we are paying in rent! I cried. Like ugly cried. I was scared. I wasn't sure that this is where I wanted to live, but I couldn't imagine owning any less of a house if we could own one like this! We put in an offer and nervously waited for a response...that took forever...and was once again, "I'm so sorry." The next day I was back out in that neighborhood and saw an even better house. I couldn't believe it. This house was immaculate and incredible. I wanted this house. It was my dream house! Granite in the kitchen. Tile and hardwoods in the formal and kitchen. Great size rooms and back yard. I wanted this house so bad! We put in a lofty offer agreeing to beat any other offer by $500. Another sleepless night and another "I'm sorry" phone call and I was ready to throw in the towel. I was done. I was emotionally drained!

The following week my realtor and I were the first people to see this house:

We had an offer in by 5:00 that evening and should close on it this week. It is in an awesome neighborhood with fun amenities: two pools, splash pad, walking trail, catch and release pond, and two parks. The elementary school is also in the neighborhood. The house itself is everything we were looking for in a floor plan. This is definitely a house that we can grow into. And it's pretty!

We can be certain in uncertain times

The pain of the world this week has come crashing down on me today. The senseless bombings at the Boston Marathon and the disastrous explosion in West, TX. The pain is unbearable. I'm so thankful for the incredible pastor who leads our church. He is an amazing speaker and preacher. The message today was so perfect for a time such as this. As Christians it is our job to share the message of hope. The Lord is our strength and our refuge. He is in control even when it feels like the whole world is in chaos. As a means of sharing this message I will paraphrase his message today. We can be certain in times of uncertainty because we have a message of hope, an identity in Christ, and are certain about the future. We know that God holds the future in His hands and we know how it ends. My relationship with Christ is the most incredible thing in my life and I pray that each of you has that relationship too. If you don't and you want to know more please send me a message.

Love in Christ,
Jenn

Makenzie Dec 2012

 

 Look at that sweet face!

 

 

 Our wonderful neighbors gave her this scooter. She does really well and loves it.

 

 

She has been dying to play in the leaves!

Perfectionism

I used to be a perfectionist. I wasn't obsessive compulsive about it, but I certainly liked to have things organized and in their place at all times. I was proud of this character trait. However, after getting married and having two kids my perfectionism has gone by the wayside. My husband gets frustrated that I want the house picked up and company ready at all times. He doesn't understand the embarrassment I feel when my neighbor stops by and sees my kitchen in a horrible state of disgust! But I know that our home, family, and children won't be the picture I have in my head. I really do KNOW that, but I'm not going to stop wanting my home to be clean, my children to be polite, and my attitude to be positive. Even if it takes work to get it all there. Why do I have to feel bad for wanting theses things? We may not be able to afford better things, but we can make the best of what we do have. My mom always said that you don't have to be dirty just because you're poor (or something like that). I'm going to continue to want a clean home. I'm going to continue to work at having it, but not at the expense of time with my children or husband. That is the point my husband tries to make. He doesn't like that my attitude is bad when our home is a mess. I put stress on myself to keep our home at least picked up, but it is far from clean. There is always more to be done. Life is such a balancing act.

This sort of puts things in perspective:
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/12/dear-mom-who-likes-everything-perfect.html

Censored

 
Censorship:  the control of speech and other forms of human expression.
I have a big mouth. I talk a lot and usually without much of a filter. I remember vividly getting in trouble for sharing private family matters at school when I was younger. I remember being censored by my parents when I wanted to give a mentor a very heartfelt letter of appreciation. Even as an adult I have people telling me what I can share with others. When do I get to stop being the censored child?

I'm ready to find my voice and feel comfortable to share what I want to. What if my honest struggles help someone else? What if just knowing that someone else is going through hard times too is a comfort to someone else? I'm THIRTY years old. I think it's time for me to stop worrying about what other people think and JUST BE ME.

Behind the Scenes: A Messy Reality

How does the saying go? "Don't compare your 'behind the scenes' to someone else's 'highlight reel.'" It's so hard not to. Especially when I read blogs about people who seem to really love and enjoy their children. I spend most of my time tolerating my children. Isn't that sad? Sometimes I wish I could see them through someone else's eyes. Everyone else notices how special, gifted, sweet, gentle, and kind my children are. While I "know" these things about my kids. These are not the portrayed traits that I spend my day in contact with. I see and hear LOTS of whining, crying, disobedience, and disrespect. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I've heard that you shouldn't take too much credit for the good things your child does, but what about the bad things? I take credit for all of it and I take it very personally.

I really want to spend time enjoying my kids. We do have good times together, but I often feel like an outsider looking in. I'm often the referee or the security guard. I'm often not interacting as much as I am just present.
 

Let's just say that my behind the scenes is ugly. I hope mine isn't the only one.

Does this mean that I shouldn't be a stay at home mom? If I had a job outside of the home and spent time away from them would I enjoy them more? Could I be more present and involved if I didn't spend so much time resenting them for what I'm not getting done? Aha, the truth comes out.

DIY Family Rules Subway Art

This started out as a Parisian art canvas with rod iron trim. I removed the metal trim and then painted the canvas with acrylic paint. Once I decided what I wanted it to say I started separating the vinyl letters. I bought the letters at Target in the art supplies section-they were cheaper than at Walmart.

I used a pencil to draw a one inch border on each side. Then I drew horizontal lines every three inches so I would have equal spacing. I positioned and adhered all of my words making sure to not put them directly on top of the pencil marks.

Once everything was down I painted the whole thing with Satin Granite Grey spray paint. I did two coats. Once it was no longer tacky I removed the vinyl letters.

Here is the final product. I really love the way it turned out.

Being a Mom

 I have the best job in the world. I get to be their Mom. I get to be their soft place to land when things are tough. I can only hope to be their best friend. What a blessing and an honor it is to have Mom as my title. I get to kiss their "boo-boos" and pray over them when they're sick. I often hear that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world. Although I agree, it's not the Mom part that's hard. It's the managing of the household and being present as a mother that is hard. It's hard to get past the guilt. Oh there is so much guilt! I feel it about how much time I spend on the computer, doing dishes, and cleaning house while my children entertain themselves. So often I neglect the aforementioned duties and just play with my children. I love playing with them, but there has to be balance to accomplish all of my responsibilities. I want my children to have an amazing childhood full of love, creativity, traditions, and family togetherness. I want them to remember that I played with them. I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart. I want to be a role model for them. I want them to understand that with passion and hard work anything is possible. It's easy to say. Now I need to go live it.

I am blessed to have many things in my life that I love. For example, my sweet husband, Eric, my beautiful daughter, Makenzie, and my precious son, Parker. Now I have a new love...running! I've always wanted to be a runner. I enjoyed running as a teenager, but had no idea that it was considered a sport. My husband is home during the summer so that has allowed me to pursue the wish of becoming a runner. Now don't get me wrong, "I am not a runner," yet. I have been staying up after feeding Parker early in the morning and going for a run. The morning is so beautiful! I get to turn my music up and turn my mommy brain OFF. It's awesome! I walk until I feel capable of running and then I run until I can't any longer. It is such a feeling of freedom to leave the house with the my sleeping children in the care of my husband. I don't take my cell phone or even house keys. It's just me and my ipod. Unfortunately my ipod won't communicate with my computer so I can only listen to the music I put on it five years ago. But, it's still great. I sing. I run. I'm free. My mood is better on the days I exercise. It honestly works better than my anti-depression medicine. It even makes the rest of my day better. My self esteem is better. I make better food choices. It also gives me a ton of energy. Way more than a cup of coffee provides.

Parker's First Birthday

Doesn't everyone dive into a cupcake with their face? from Jennifer Neal on Vimeo.

Thank Heaven for Grandparents

Many negative things come from being a child of divorce. However, as an adult I am seeing an upside to it: lots of Grandparents! Both for myself and my children. We are so blessed to have so many people that love us. This past week I had the pleasure of visiting some of my Grandparents. We loaded up the car and drove 12+ hours to New Mexico. The car ride went surprisingly well.

My Grandparents had been evacuated from their home due to wildfires raging in the mountains around their home. By the grace of God their home was spared. It was great to see them and give them a chance to see the kids. We were able to see my Dad and Step-mom, my Aunt and Uncle, and my Grandparents.

My grandparents with my children-awesome!

Great Grandpa and Makenzie enjoying "tea"

Four generations

Grandpa, Grandma, Makenzie, and Parker

It was a flying trip however because my other Grandmother had a heart attack while we were away. So, we loaded up the car and headed back home. Once again by the grace of God her life was spared. She is doing remarkably well. I just had to get back to see her.

Nana and the kids

Papaw, Mamaw, and the kids

Papaw and Parker

 I am so blessed to have such great relationships with my grandparents. I am also thankful that my kids get the opportunity to have lots of grandparents in their lives. It was a crazy week, but it was so great to see everyone and praise God for the miracles in their lives.

First Haircuts

 Parker

Parker was not so sure about it all!

Look at that Mohawk!

Had to know what sister was doing!

So handsome!

 Makenzie

A little apprehensive.

Excited about her first professional haircut.

Feeling like a superstar with her purple stars and hair.

By the way, we got their haircuts at Sweet N Sassy. On Tuesdays all of their haircuts are $5 off. So their "cutie cuts" were only $10! What a great deal! Makenzie's purple "hair extension," glitter spray, glitter stars, and sucker were all included. I'm sure she'll always want to get her hair cut at Sweet N Sassy!